I and Depression

I don’t know when exactly I realize I have depression. I think I start to have it around 2014-2015? On 2016 I was diagnosed with mid-severe depression. I regretted that I didn’t knowledge much about mental illness that time. I couldn’t help myself. I might be someone better than me now if I aware about it earlier.

Writing this post making me remember a memory. One night, I felt really useless, lifeless and lonely. I felt hard to breathe and everything seemed wrong. So, I called my best friend. I told her how I felt that time. Both of us had no idea what was wrong with me and we assumed that I just stressed.

However, the stress continued.

It worsened after I enrolled to MBI, my high school. No family around me. I didn’t have friends. I got discriminated and hatred. I always alone. I was weak at school subjects. I didn’t feel peace at all. I hated people but I hated myself more.

I cried a lot back then.

I really wanted to kill myself that time.

Fortunately, remembered my dad sacrificed a lot for me making me stay alive. Remembered my sisters would be alone making me survive.

It was hard. Struggling with my own depression by myself was really difficult. If I were at home, I could listen to music or reading book or play with my sisters. In MBI, I didn’t have any distraction. Every second passed, I had thought of suicide.

I wished I could believe someone there but I couldn’t. Even the teachers. I kept to myself. Albeit I told someone before, they didn’t take it seriously. Then, I stop telling. Pretending I was fine.

I became FAKE.

“You only think negative.”

“People out there are worsen than you.”

“Allah is testing you.”

“You are not close enough to Allah.”

I had enough with all those shits! Don’t casually linking mental illness with religion.

If mental wellness was directly proportional with religiosity then no religious person would struggle with their mental health. However, the reality is that many religious people struggle too. Similar to how religiosity does not protect one from physical illnesses, it does not protect you from mental illness.


In sophomore year, I bought MP3 and always used it everyday everywhere. It became my biggest distraction. However, people kept judging me. I kept blaming myself. Life continued poisoned me. I was dying.

Everything seemed wrong. I was wrong.

Suicide people don’t kill themselves. But society is.


To be honest, it isn’t easy to tell a story about my depression. I already thought to sharing my story for a long time but I couldn’t make it. I felt the pressure.

Now, writing this make me feel relief somehow. I’m getting better although sometimes you-know-what comes and disturbs me. I’m really grateful that I still alive and survive even I struggle alone.

Last, I strongly don’t suggest you to overcome the depression alone. I know it is burdensome to tell someone about our pain. We are scared. They will pity on us or think we are overreacting or tease us.

But we need help. We really need help.

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